Dark Chocolate Honey Mints

Brand: Trader Joes

Cost: $4.99

Found at: Trader Joes

Suspicious. 

That’s how I feel about these mints. 

Deeply suspicious. 

The bag claims that these little mint patties are made from only three ingredients: honey, chocolate liquor, and oil of peppermint. But I’m here to say that there’s no way. I sound like an infomercial saying it, but there is just. no. way. Tell me how you can combine three liquids with no fat or solidifying agent and end up with a chocolate peppermint? It’s wishful thinking. It’s a culinary impossibility. It is a bold-face marketing lie. 

As you can tell, I’m a little worked up about this. I’ve been hate sleuthing through the internet to try and find some sort of proof to back me up:

“Dark Chocolate Honey Mints FRAUD”

“Dark Chocolate Honey Mints LIES”

“Dark Chocolate Honey Mints CONSUMER MALFEASANCE GRAND JURY INDICTMENT”

But I’ve come up with nothing. No-one is out there speaking truth to power. My only evidence is circumstantial: that online recipes for honey peppermints include COCONUT OIL. A FOURTH ingredient. You heard it here first, folks: there could be MORE THAN THREE ingredients in this three-ingredient chocolate treat. It’s going to be the big story of 2021. It will wipe the memory of 2020 from our minds completely. Peppermintgate will be all the news talks about for months.

Now, people may say that I am getting worked up about things that don’t actually matter to pass the days final weeks of Coronavirus Quarantine. That I may have been stuck at home too long and am going a little stir crazy.

People may say that my grasp of chemistry and cooking is weak at best and that I am missing an important element of the cooking process that explains everything. 

People may say that I am missing the real fundamental flaw of these mints: that they are not actually that good. That honey flavor does not improve the taste mint chocolate, and in fact may even detract from it. 

But I do not recognize those people. 

I’m definitely in the right and not losing it at all.

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