Healthy Green Tea a

Brand: Kao

Cost: 172 yen

Found At: Family Mart

I like my tea like I like my life partners. Strong, healthy, and containing at least 540mg of Catechin. This tea, like it’s jasmine counterpart, insists that it will increase my metabolism and decrease my body fat and, once again, I end up paying slightly more for the privilege. There’s a sucker born every minute, and that sucker is usually me.

But this one, unlike the others, comes with more antioxidant Catechin and less liquid by volume. So, we can intuit using our SAT mathematical skills, that the Catechin to liquid ratio is the best of all the health teas currently available at the Family Mart. Clearly, this is the healthiest tea, which is why it is so clearly labeled healthy” in large, bold, katakana letters on the bottle. If you missed that, can also tell by the strong bitter flavor and the leaf pulp floating at the bottom of the bottle, that this tea is designed specially to draw out all the oxidants, lipids, and negative ions from your body. In fact, I can attest that it must be working, because I now have a headache which is clearly the result of my brain expunging all its negative influences.

If I am not fully cleansed by tomorrow, it will not be my fault.