Guld (Gold) Chocolate Bar

Brand: Cloetta

Cost: 8.95KR

Found at: Coop


As a teacher of young children, you keep yourself sane by making little jokes that the kids won’t get. Nothing unwholesome, just little asides that will make the other teachers laugh and which the children will not register until their mid-twenties. It’s like sending a cohort of sleeper agents out into the world who will go live normal lives until one day, out of the blue, they realize that their second-grade teacher spent the whole year quoting Con-Air.

When I was teaching the colors, for example, I would go through the rainbow of butterflies:


What color is it?


Yes, red!


What color is it?


Yes, green!


What color is it?


Yes, gooooold, Mr. Bond.


After which I would giggle and the children would look baffled. One day they’ll realize my comic genius – at least that’s what I tell myself. Unfortunately, so far, I have only succeeded in implanting that very phrase irrevocably into my own psyche. So, when I picked up this chocolate bar, I immediately and announced to the store at large: “Goooooold, Mr. Bond.” At which point I had to buy the chocolate, because the only thing weirder than a foreign woman talking to her own groceries, is a foreign woman talking to someone else’s groceries.

I’m glad I did, though. This chocolate is adorable. The wrapper features the image of an old-timey prospector and a reference to the 1913 gold rush. As far as I can tell this is a reference to the Klondike gold rush in Alaska and the “Three Lucky Swedes” who developed the Nome mining district there. Which must be why each chocolate unit is molded into the shape of an ounce of gold and then stamped with some cheerful adjectives. The overall effect is extremely jolly and to top it all off, it tastes exactly like Nutella. It’s everything chocolate should be.

After all, this is chocolate, Mr. Bond. All my life I’ve been in love with it’s color… its brilliance, its divine heaviness.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: